Opportunities of Collaboration

No one likes to hear the word ‘No’, especially if it’s coming from your toddler. No parent or caregiver enjoys being challenged by a two-year old, or to witness an over-the-top meltdown in public. For generations, people have handled this dilemma differently. There have been books written on the subject, experts on TV discussing how to handle the problem, and even advice from complete strangers. So, what do we do when our authority is challenged by someone in training pants? How do we handle the inevitable toddler sass?

To an extent, the toddler sass is a good thing.

A toddler’s brain is no longer the brain of a baby. It has developed substantially (they are developing millions of neural connections each second!). They are becoming more independent, confident, and aware. Language is developing and toddlers recognize the power of words, tones, and facial expression. There is a newfound freedom with being able to control their body; movements such as walking or jumping--all contribute to feeling more in control. They are also mini-scientist, testing limits and observing behavior. But, like any good scientist, they need direction and rules.

A toddler is child between 12 and 36 months. During the toddler years, they are hungry for cognitive, emotional, and social development. Toddlers crave information! They may start using objects to play more imaginatively. For example, you might see your toddler use a towel as a cape or an empty box as a car. However, Social skills are still developing at this age. Toddlers are not yet ready to understand logic, reasoning, and other people’s perspectives. A toddler will have an average of 350 word vocabulary, with “mine” as their go to phrase. They do not understand why they cannot have a toy or play in the sandbox all day. This is why parents and caregivers get the push back and why it is important to work with your toddler and not against them.

The first thing we need to do is recognize the opportunity for collaboration. These mini-scientist aren’t saying ‘no’ to get your goat, they are saying ‘no’ because they do not yet have the tools to regulate their emotions. Therefore, as parents and caregivers, it’s our job to help them develop those tools by listening, keeping a cool head, and understanding the root of the resistance, the sass.

Planning is one way to tackle the sass. If your toddle dislikes a certain food, offer two or three options that are okay with you. Offering options allows them to make a choice and control the situation. Giving them a heads-up is helpful, too. When transitioning from one activity to another, make them aware of the plan. For example, you may want to list the changes ahead of time, “we are going to put the toys away in the bins, then we are going to put the bins away in the closet, then we are going to have a yummy lunch!” You may still get a bit of the push back, but this will help them understand the cues of change.

Important note: these are real feeling and real emotions that your child is experiencing. Just as we would like our feeling validated, so do toddlers. Understand that they are not able to gain perspective, to see how their behavior is affecting us, but we can help by listening and responding appropriately. After all, we are teaching by example. Next time the sass comes out, take a moment to look at your child with empathy, listen, and tell them you are sorry and understand. Use the same empathetic ears you would use for a friend who is going through a rough time.

Use clear language that your toddler will understand. For example, explain the reason they need to wear a jacket is because it might rain outside and that they may get wet and cold and sick. Avoid angry tones and sarcasm, but do use stories and jokes to make them feel safe and at ease. Remind them of stories they’ve heard before that can help them better understand the message you want to get across.

Finally, don’t get angry. Opportunities of collaboration with your toddler will happen, but there may be times when you need to recognize you are not going to win the battle—your toddler will get their way. Your child is unaware of the stress you are enduring. Take a deep breath, step away for a second if possible, and know that you are doing your best. It is important to reflect on these experiences and ask yourself what triggered the sass. Was it something that you could have prevented? What were the triggers in the situation, if any?

As always, if you feel your child is not improving, please consult a child development specialist. It takes a world of collaboration to raise a child. 

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