The Importance and Dynamics of Friendship

Introduction

Friendship represents an essential and encompassing aspect of human relationships. We engage its many definitions while underscoring friendship’s broad and vital function to both the individual and society generally. Indeed, strong friendships are some of the most central components of subjective well-being. We also provide a brief overview of the features and functions of friendships. To facilitate reflection during this discussion on the nature of friendship—since readers are themselves invited to draw upon their own friendship experiences throughout—a closing statement is made addressing individual readers.

In a loose and somewhat descriptive sense, friendships have been defined in an array of ways. Friendships can take a multitude of forms across different contexts—that is, friendships may be fueled by the thrill of adventure, as in friendships of pleasure. Additionally, friendships are inexorably entailed with the individual, facilitating psychological and emotional benefits, as well as assisting the individual in navigating societal and institutional structures. Not only do such connections enrich daily experience or support one another during difficult times, but strong friendships are linked to a plethora of positive well-being outcomes. Furthermore, the significance of having friends may even surpass one’s most important social connections, such as family or a spouse, with friends having different functions and uses than these traditionally supportive relationships. Such thick friendships not only need to be possessed but fully engaged with by the individual, more so than our thin acquaintances; put bluntly, the closer the friendship to the individual’s well-being, the more the individual must invest in it. While we underscore these portrayals of friendship, the reader is invited to draw upon their own friendships in considering the following discussion.

The Evolution of Friendships

Friendships have changed significantly since people first looked up at the stars and yearned for some semblance of connection, sympathy, and companionship in an otherwise cruel or indifferent world. Since that time, the concept has been evolving across different civilizations, socioeconomic brackets, and political systems. As concepts of leisure, marriage, and work have been redefined throughout history, so have people's conceptions and priorities about friendship. Philosophers and ethicists have tried to impart timeless wisdom about friendship since ancient times, while seminal novels and other great works of art have had an enduring impact on people's feelings about friendships. There were historical moments that definitively reshaped what it meant to befriend someone in a specific time and place, from the two World Wars to new communications technologies, inconsolable waves of migration, and new forms of degeneration in work and leisure. Wars and economic conditions, as well as an intensifying landscape of cultural representation, have forced new normativity regarding who, how, and why one chooses to become friends with certain people.

Aristotle saw friendship as political - one’s soul projects their logos into the soul of another in order to secure loyalty and peace. This idea contrasts with the classic view of friendship as something that can be beneficent and disinterested - a self-evident good in itself - as we can see in Michel de Montaigne, a later French Renaissance savant, for example. Early Modern philosophers, such as Thomas Hobbes and Jean-Jacques Rousseau, focused on the dilemmas of self-love and utility in social relations. In any case, the story of friendship until today is fraught with tension about what good friendship is, or what quality a good friend should have - whether it is primarily one of utility, because of pleasure, or because of mutual well-being and sincerity. Although the concept of friendship tends to be universal in most societies, standards for friendships vary considerably by culture, nationality, age, religion, and class. When introducing international students to make European friends, generally accepted rules of what characterizes a good friend in Europe have been identified, such as sharing confidences and a sense of humor, helping out in times of need, keeping in touch, and being available for social activities.

In the West, friendships have evolved from being a bond of equals, united in their sense of virtue, as seen in ancient times, to an individualized and self-centric relationship offering qualities like emotional support, escapism, comfort, and all-around fun. Personal connections were facilitated through parasocial and physical fields that earned them the mark of ‘authentic’ friendships. Today, due to increased precarity at work, in relationships, and in belief systems, we have retreated into an individualism, leaving us lonely in both the personal and public sphere. As a result, in this new paradigm, the social fields and differentiations that once acted as barometers for good friendships are merely substitutes, if they are even that. Known as the ‘spiritual father of the Internet’, predicted the advent of the world he described as ‘IoT’ or ‘Internet of Things’, how people’s relationships benefited.

Benefits of Strong Friendships

Friendships can perform a variety of functions, from providing social support to offering a physical or psychological way of escape from social and cultural pressures. The importance of friendship for mental health and well-being is heavily supported by the literature, with researchers recognizing friendship as an informal support system that offers a ‘sense of belonging’, while others highlight the centrality of friendship in maintaining mental well-being, particularly for those lacking family support.

Friendship formation is an area of particular interest for psychologists. Attachment theory posits that ‘early interpersonal relationships can set the stage’ for later friendships. This builds on social exchange theory in explaining friendships in terms of costs and benefits. According to this approach, a friendship is determined by whether the ratio of rewards to costs matches the comparison level for the friendship as set by specific evaluative criteria. Research shows a number of benefits that long-term establishment of friendship can produce, including: a positive correlation with self-esteem and life satisfaction, an increase in social interaction, the provision of emotional support, the provision of empathy and understanding, the creation of trust and reciprocity, and increased attachment. In terms of trust and empathy, studies provide support for the notion that sharing, trust, and intimacy within a close relationship could have a unique aspect by inducing both to provide even more support. Indeed, research found that high-rated commitment has the effect of promoting more empathetic responses that can allow a more accurate provision of support.

Maintaining Healthy Friendships

Friendships, like all relationships, have their ups and downs. Sometimes it may seem as if our friends are turning away from us, and out of love for them and a wish to salvage the relationship, we may want to know what can be done to keep them from going away. In this section, I discuss some of the more common challenges that face friendships and offer advice for dealing with them.

What then are some of the natural challenges in maintaining a friendship? Quite a few, it seems. Issues of communication and conflict are always on the horizon. If you put 100 strangers into a room for half an hour and let them talk to one another, about 70% of them would never have any contact after that. People have differing views of things, and when they perceive conflicts arising, they start to pull away. Jealousy also abounds in friendships. Some folks just want their friends all to themselves and disapprove of the time and energy that others give to other friendships. There is significant variation in expectations from one individual to another. When these are not met to a sufficient degree, the relationship tips.

Then there are the problems that arise just because our friends move on. All sorts of life changes can affect our friendships. If we move from one town to another, it is likely our friendships in our old place will diminish; so also if new relationships form or if marriage or children suddenly enter the picture. What to do about these and other intractable problems? A good starting point is to engage people in talking about the problem. This usually means voicing our concerns about the friendship to the friend. Talking through the worries or differences we may have can often resolve them or at least open up a wider perspective. Are we in agreement? What are the differences between our views, if any? Even if talking doesn’t fix the problems, at least it can lead to agreed-upon strategies for handling them. Another point to keep in mind is our need for forgiveness. Conflict doesn’t only lead to the erosion of friendships, it also keeps individuals in contact long after the friendship has begun to sink. Conflict resolution, with its emphasis on problem solving, involves forgiveness hopefully followed by rekindling.

But not always can we rekindle a friendship. Sometimes it is perhaps best to let go, rather than try to cling to what really can’t work anymore. Changes in circumstances, personality, values, and the myriad complexities of life can end friendships. Such changes may not always be reparable, and the struggle to maintain certain friendships in the long haul may only lead to an unnecessary prolonging of agony, guilt, and further tension. Over the passage of time, friendships have to be constantly remade. They require care. They are not to be left as if in some closet gathering dust. Some may grow stronger over time, some to recede, others to slowly die. These are natural. We must move with them. There are times when one must let go, instead of continually grasping onto that slipping rope. Sometimes we must let go gracefully and shut the door.

Friendships in the Modern World

Cultivating meaningful and lasting friendships in today’s world may not seem easy. Social gatherings have often been replaced by scrolling through one’s social media feed. The following tips are ones that must be done from a space of true care and vulnerability. Hopefully, those who have desired to connect with others feel inspired to do so, and a seed is planted for intentional connections to grow. Also, know that it is okay to feel alone or disconnected right now, and the times we are currently surviving are extremely isolating. Give yourself grace and compassion.

Being intentional with friendships requires you to actually seek deep connections with the people around you. Deep connections do not equal time just spent with someone; they require meaningful conversation with quality over quantity of time spent around others. This type of care cultivates a space of support and compassion, which often develops into deeper relationships where both people are comfortable being open and honest together. Nurturing these types of friendships stems from showing your appreciation and care for those in your life. Sharing quality time together could be going on walks or meeting up once a week for coffee, where you can share your experiences and know that you are not being judged. Making a deeper connection also comes from one’s ability to listen genuinely when people are sharing their experiences, and communication in the truest form is needed to help you be successful in this area. Lastly, shared interests create a common ground of connection, whether you form bonds with those who have the same interest or you are able to introduce someone to something you love. These common experiences will act as a foundation for deep friendships later on in life. It is also important to give yourself grace if creating deep friendships is not a priority, as you may be going through phases of your life where a strong social network is not needed. However, be open to growing connections either as time goes on or if something changes in your life, such as a move, marriage, children, or hobbies.

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