My Best Friend: the Meaning of True Friendship

Introduction

Best friends, best buds, besties, or "who knows with whom the devil sits." Almost every human is involved in at least one best friendship at some point in time. Best friends are characterized by a lifelong emotional bond in which intimacy and trust are of considerable value—an affectionate commitment that is distinct from other friendships. As friendships develop over time, individuals of all ages are making a variety of best friends with whom they share affective, behavioral, cognitive, and social dimensions.

They experience the complexities of events in life that may stir them into a friendship with benefits or challenges, which therefore serve as personal development agents. These aspects define a dynamic and affective best friend dyad that potentially provides the grounding for an important human social relationship style characterized by emotional investment in another person and mutual expectation of individual availability for the sharing of both consensus and conflict information. This chapter is an examination of the life course dynamics of best friendships. The chapter is divided into five primary themes: the formation of best friendships, the benefits of best friendships, the challenges of best friendships, the impact of best friendships, and discussion of future directions in best friend research. Our use of the plural reflects different types of best friendships formed at different developmental life phases. When we write of "the adolescent years," we refer to this period in the life span generally, rather than only the denoted ages provided to illustrate best friendships being formed at such an age. Our focus is on what is qualitatively different about the dynamics of these friendships, in contrast, for example, to more emergent friendships developed in a woman's group. This chapter defines best friendships as unique to other friendship alliances, while understanding the changing defining role of culture and society in defining what friends are, and the differing developmental phases for when these relationships form.

The Formation of Best Friendships

Several factors and processes contribute to the formation of best friendships. One of the generally accepted starting points is that the individuals involved find each other simpatico and have at least some interests and activities in common. In addition to shared interests, values, and activities, sharing events and experiences can also be instrumental. Together, the length of time that friends spend together and the extent to which they engage in self-disclosure predict the depth of the relationship, alternative conceptions of love notwithstanding. Environmentally, individuals who share a social circle and share values within that circle are predisposed to meet and gain friends who share these interests and values, too. These propinquities help to set the stage for the development of best friendships.

Another stream of work argues that context-bound life stages and transitions may, in a more or less stage-adequate manner, afford best friendship formation. Research highlights that early adolescence, for example, is the time when boys are the most overtly interested in forming best friendships because of the cultural script at this age. In view of the fact that such age-linked contexts differ between cultures, it is noted that the contexts that make individuals feel like “an adult” and the available social roles in adulthood predispose people in various cultures to be on the lookout for a best friend or close, best friend-like relationship. From a psychological perspective, individual differences such as personality as well as attachment styles may predispose or screen individuals into best friend functions. Developmentally, it shows a well-recognized metaphor—“birds of a feather flock together”—is also applicable to assessing the circumstances surrounding best friendships.

Benefits of Having a Best Friend

According to research in the field of developmental psychology, a best friend is someone who respects you, confides in you, enjoys spending time with you, and shares your feelings when you are happy, sad, or angry. These relationships are extremely strong, closer than other friendships, and offer emotional support. But what is emotional support? It's the caring, trust, and other sorts of emotional comfort people give each other when they're feeling terrible. It can include actions such as listening, if only for short periods of time, being there for another person, and giving advice. Emotional support can also involve sharing companionship. Such activities include talking, going out together, or inviting others to join in on an activity. This may not seem like an activity, but companionship is vital. Adults, as well as children and teenagers, tend to be healthier, happier, and better able to cope with upsetting setbacks when they have close friendships. Furthermore, when people experience happiness or thrill, those who do not share in these feelings are more likely to feel bad. Best friends can provide emotional support that makes individuals less vulnerable to these inconsistent feelings, and they can also greatly boost life satisfaction. Developing a deep friendship can result in overall well-being for a pair. In addition to this, having a close friendship can lead to feeling a sense of belonging. It can involve feeling that one is welcome and liked and that others are willing to let one be a part of their social circle. A sense of being accepted can lead to a good relationship with oneself. Many people with a strong friendship also have a strong social network. Having numerous friends means that one may have more social contacts and can be exposed to a greater variety of social opportunities. This is helpful when someone is in search of a job, is feeling lonely, or is simply looking to improve his or her own life. Strong social networks are crucial for several reasons. One seemingly basic advantage of a large social network is that when a person feels helpless, has a low view of oneself, or has a sense of hopelessness, friends can provide thoughts, ideas, strengths, and suggestions.

Challenges in Best Friendships

Your best friend is perhaps the person you are most open and close with. However, because of this closeness, the largest rifts form. When friends first start spending more time together after years of distance, they often take things too personally because they are unaware of what to expect and misinterpret certain things. Jealousy is another difficult aspect to deal with, as certain friends seek to dominate relationships by showering their best friends with gifts. In addition, individuals have markedly different standards and assume that their friends want similar things or perform similar jobs. It leads to ill feelings and grudges that can become destructive since the closest mates are involved. Best friends can reach a point where they take each other for granted even before they have competed with each other. However, friendships may be made more powerful by these challenges in the long term. For example, if a buddy upsets you, it helps not only to let him know and be transparent about it but also to forgive and forget. As the friendship develops, there are often common challenges, such as moving house, moving away, getting married, beginning families, or even losing loved ones. The friendship either evolves or dies as these happen. A strong and lasting friendship, however, can mature even though friends go through various phases.

The Role of Best Friendships

Best friendships enable us to remain mentally healthy and lead fulfilling lives. Strong positive relationships reduce anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems. Notably, despite the presence of everyday stressors, people with a best friendship in particular report lower levels of depression. Psychologically, emotional benefits flow from the companionate and compassionate intimacy of best friendships. Best friends raise spirits and make one another laugh. Closest friends maintain life satisfaction because of the protective role that they play. The companionship of best friends fosters emotional stability so that individuals are better equipped to resist or overcome any attack on their well-being. Best friends offer reassurance, provide meaning as well as connectedness, and assist in weathering the storm. Strong social support cushions individuals from the negative impact of life events. Strong supportive networks, including depression-specific support or tangible support, were found to buffer stress more effectively than weak networks. Moreover, social connectedness is a basic human need and contributes to feelings of security and safety, reducing vulnerability to stress and anxiety. Loneliness, the feeling of being unsupported and being shut off from meaningful connectedness, also appears to heighten feelings of insecurity and anxiety. Instead of betrayal, rejection, and isolation, the best friend’s support serves as a powerful symbol of communal and personal connectedness. People with best friends also tend to feel more accepted for who they are. Closest friends are among the very few with whom we do not want to pretend and with whom we feel accepted. The best friend’s outspoken love and support make us feel part of something. Social exclusion makes us deeply question who we are, but because of the sincerity with which we experience the best friend’s affection, the resulting feelings of self-doubt and despair are diminished. Time spent cultivating these supportive relationships should stave off loneliness and, in turn, feelings of ineffectiveness.

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